A Day In The Life...

(Editor's Note: "A Day In The Life" will be a series of occasional posts about about the daily schedule of a flight attendant. The post won't necessarily be about anything other than how tough the schedules or trips can be at times. Hope you enjoy.)

   Sometimes trips for flight attendant crews don’t always go the way they are scheduled. Because our industry is at the hands of Mother Nature and a stopwatch, trips often change. Sometimes they end up working out for flight attendants, other times not so much. This is where flexibility in our profession is a must.
 This latest trip was one that worked out in our favor. It was a three day trip that was supposed to have us flying for 17 hours with layovers in Minneapolis and Tampa. Instead, an airplane emergency and snow changed around our trip.
    The first day was great. My crew and I briefed for the three days at our home domicile in Los Angeles. It was a great crew and I was looking forward to the trip.
 Our trip on paper was supposed to be the following: Day 1 = Los Angeles to Chicago, then on to Minneapolis for the night. Day 2 = Minneapolis to Chicago, then to Tampa, Florida for the night. Then Day 3 = Tampa, Washington DC, sit for three long hours, then work our final flight home to the West Coast. 
 Day one flew as scheduled. We landed that night in an ugly snowstorm in Minneapolis. That would be our temporary home for the night. With the snow heavily falling when we landed about 7 p.m., I was really looking forward to getting to my hotel room, taking a warm shower, then putting on my pajamas and climbing into bed. After all, we only had an 11 hour layover there that night and needed to be back at the airport for an early morning departure back to Chicago.
 My blaring alarm clock wake up call came much too early. I looked out my room window and saw that much more snow had fallen overnight, turning everything into a white, winter wonderland.
 So we get to the airport, only to find that our 6:51 a.m. flight was now delayed because of what is called “flow control” by the air traffic controllers that guide our plane from city to city. With weather bad both in Chicago and Minneapolis, they had to space airplanes out between the cities for safe take-offs and approaches.
 So we finally boarded our plane, got our passengers settled for the 54 minute flight, only to have a longer wait to be de-iced. Well that turned into a fiasco in itself. Halfway through the de-icing process, the truck doing the job ran out of the fluid to finish the job. So there we waited, and waited, for it to get another batch of de-icing fluid and return to our  snow covered aircraft.
 Well the process finally completed, but now we were almost an hour behind schedule. Once in the air, the short 54 minute flight ended up being an hour and a half flight. As we got closer to Chicago, our friendly air traffic controllers put us in a holding pattern somewhere over Illinois. Apparently, with the snow falling at O’Hare International Airport, a plane decided to slide off the end of the runway and basically crippled departures and arrivals there until the mess was cleaned up.
 As we circled in the sky, my captain gave me a computer generated message from our airline’s crew desk, asking me to call the operation when we landed. I knew this couldn't’t be good. With our late departure and delay in the air, I knew we had already missed our connecting flight to Tampa.
 This is where things can go bad. My crew and I wondered what the crew desk had in store for us. Would we be flying a longer duty day? Would we end up someplace where none of us wanted to be? Would our nice trip fall apart and turn into a horrible one? These are all questions flight attendants wonder when we misconnect during our regular trip.
 Unfortunately, for us, they had us work another flight down to Orlando, then back up to Washington DC, where we would over night and pickup the remainder of our trip on the Day 3. What was supposed to be a six hour duty day, now turned  into a 13 hour duty day.
 But as I mentioned before, sometimes broken trips end up working out for us. But on this one, there was some give and take. Instead of a long 20 hour layover in Tampa, we got to spend 20 hours in freezing and snowing Washington DC. The upside was that we would not have to wake up early on the east coast for our Day 3. Instead, we got to sleep in and catch our only flight for the day from Washington DC home to LA. And our 17 hours of flying over three days turned into 19 hours. So we were able to pickup a few extra hours of flight pay.
   Depending how you look at it, it turned out rather well for my crew. We made it home safely, and that is all that matters.

 

 

 

Drunk While Flying

  As before on this website, I’ve rattled on about the unusual characters we call passengers who we come across in the friendly skies. Every now and then, we get one that I can’t keep from writing about. And this is a short tale about one.
 We’ll call him “Mr. Malt.” More about that in a minute.
 What was typically an uneventful flight from Orlando to Washington DC aboard a Boeing 757, ended up being good fodder for here.
 I was working the first flight attendant position on this flight in first class. It was a rather light load with only about 16 of the 24 seats occupied. It was only a beverage service, so it would go relatively easy.
 Once up in the air, I was working in the galley making drinks for my fellow crew member who was in the aisle taking orders and delivering  drinks.
 That’s when my colleague came back to the galley and asked me “what type of malt” we had. Despite knowing that malt is an alcoholic drink, I knew that my airline doesn’t carry any malt, at least not on our domestic operation.
 We laughed among ourselves about the request and chalked it up as this passenger trying to be a little too fancy for his britches. We quickly looked on our paperwork to see who this clown was. Because of his request, we knew he wasn’t one of OUR frequent fliers who pretty much know all of the spirits, wines and beers we serve on board.
 So “Mr Malt” settled instead for  Dewar’s “White Label” whisky -- on the rocks. He even had the gall to ask for “a double.” My airline’s policy is not to serve doubles because sometimes the drinkers can get out of hand and cause problems in the cabin.
 So we floated his drink with lots of ice and splashed in some water to make it seem like a double, a typical flight attendant trick to control heavy drinkers. He never knew the difference.
 Quickly, one drink turned into two, into three and then into four during a two hour flight. And it was obvious Mr. Malt we beginning to feel it. It got to the point where my crew members and I did not proactively refill his drink or ask him if he wanted another.
 I think he quickly caught on to our ruse. Suddenly the flight attendant call bell chimed in first class. And you guessed it, it was Mr. Malt asking for another drink!
 An off duty flight attendant in uniform, who had the “pleasure” of sitting next to him, looked him over, then at me while rolling her eyes. He apparently was getting a little too chatty with her, despite her having on her earphones to tune him out.
 He rattled the ice in his glass and held it out in the aisle, as if I was suppose to read his mind. That is one of my biggest pet peeves, when passengers do that, expecting you to remember them among 156 other passenger drink orders on a flight.
 So I looked at him and said, “I’m sorry, but I do not know what you are asking me by rattling your glass in the aisle.”
 “I would like another one,” he barked back.
 “Another of what?” I asked him. “I have not been serving you and my mind reading skills are not working right now.”
 So he blurted out his drink order and off I went to the galley to fill his drunk request. Again, I delivered him a watered down drink.
 A few moments later, the off duty flight attendant, seated at the window seat, had asked him if he could get up so that she could get by to use the lavatory.
 He told her she could “squeeze” by him and that it would be ok. She smiled, and politely declined his offer. She later told me she didn’t want him to have the pleasure of looking at her ass as she “squeezed” by his frothing mouth, let alone give him any excitement if she were to fall onto him if we hit turbulence.
 Covertly sitting in front of the drunken despicable passenger was a Federal Air Marshal, who also rolled his eyes over the entire  encounter 37,000 feet in the sky. I knew he would be ready to help out if Mr. Malt got further out of control.
 I finally had to cut him off, using the excuse that we were getting ready to land and that I was out of Dewars. Instead, he insisted on keeping his glass to suck out the remaining alcohol out of every bit of ice in it.
 So we finally land in Washington DC, and everyone had just about got off the aircraft. But low and behold, guess who was the last one on board? You guessed it! Mr. Malt! For a good five minutes, he struggled to get his luggage down the aisle between the seats, as if he was trying to keep his vehicle in a highway lane.
 My crew members and I just had to stand back and shake our heads. If I was a traffic cop, I would have loved to give him a “DWF,’’ a Drunken While Flying citation.

 

 

Just "Plane" Stupid People

   It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that organizers who are planning a "National Opt-Out Day" at our nation's airports are really just creating a problem for themselves!
   I have to laugh as I read these articles encouraging airline passengers to take part in this stupid event. While organizers believe it will send a clear message to the Transportation Security Administration, it in fact  really backlashes on the consumer. More on that, in a minute.
   So here's how organizers theorize it will work. If passengers opt out for the quick "Body Scanner" at airport security checkpoints, they instead will have to undergo a thorough individual pat down by TSA agents, which in turn, could take longer and clog up security lines at airports. Now do this on one of the busiest travel days of the year and you could have major chaos.
    But do you REALLY think the TSA cares about long lines created by this "clever idea"? They are there to do there job -- it's called protecting our airplanes from terrorists --  no matter how quickly it gets done. They are getting paid either way. It could even mean some overtime pay for them.
    With people refusing the quicker way to be screened, they really are creating a backlog for TSA screeners and will also create longer waits. But for themselves, the consumer!
     And  here's the catch: airplanes don't wait for passengers who are running late.  Unless Mother Nature dictates a flight cannot leave the gate for safety reasons because of bad weather in the area, those planes are going to leave on time. And guess who gets left behind? The "nimwits" who tried to stall the whole security process in the first place, and the others that they are supposedly fighting for.
    It will mean that people will now have to give themselves an extra four to five hours to get to the airport early to face these longer lines. And most people despise having to arrive early for one of the most stressful travel times of the year. Do you really want to wait in an hours-long line, just to get passed security?
    The backlog and  longer waits will cause many to miss their flights. Airlines will still get paid for the tickets that have  already been purchased, many of which or  laced with strict rules and extra fees to get rebooked or get a refund for missed flights because of passengers' own fault.
   But there is a silver lining in all this, and it's for airline employees!    Since many people will have missed their flights to see grandpa and grandma, this will mean lighter loads for the airlines. Many of those seats will go out empty as the protesters are stuck behind at security checkpoints.
    And airline employees who fly only on a standby basis will get those seats and be able to fly home for the holidays. Typically, since plane loads are crammed with paying passengers, there are no "standby seats" for airline employees and their families to use. Any smart airline employee usually stays away from the airport during this crazy travel time unless they are working. But maybe not this year!
    So again, I applaud organizers for the "intelligent" idea of backlogging the nation's airports and missing their flights. Now maybe my fellow crew members and their families can snatch up your seats and go see the family for the Holidays!  
  

The Blemished Crew Member

    Every now and then we get stuck flying around with a crew member whose a real whack job. Mine turn was recently.
    Just like every job, the flight attendant profession has its fair share of them. Whether they are on medication to control their bipolar disorder, are schizophrenic, negative "nellies," or just plain miserable with their life, we seem to have them.
     What I thought was going to be nice two-day trip, ended up being a little too much for me. Simply because of one particular flight attendant on our crew.
     I should have known he was going to be a piece of work during the start of our trip in the initial briefing. He began to whine because he was the most junior crew member and didn't want to fly the purser position. (For the record, someone else chose to fly it for him). Then he proceeded to "warn" the entire crew about the lurking "diseases" out there at the hotels where we stay overnight.
     He went into a full-blown account of how he was currently being treated for contracting scabies. YES!!! Scabies. A very contagious skin infection. It was a little more information than us crew members wanted to know on the start of the trip at 5 A.M. He alleged he got it from "one of the layover hotels we stay at." So we asked him which one. Of course he didn't know. But was certain it was at a layover hotel.
     I took his warning with a grain of salt since our flight attendant rank and file had not received any "credible warnings" about such outbreaks at any of our layover hotels -- from our union OR company. Nonetheless, I noted his comments in the back of my mind and reminded myself to stay away from  him, not rub against him, etc.
     The gross part of this whole story is that he wore a short sleeve uniform shirt. Fortunately, I was not able to see any of the rash on his forearms or hands, so I could only guess where he had the scabies. It was just a bit too much for me to even think about.
     Technically, he should not have even been flying trips while suffering from such a skin ailment. Company policy and health rules forbids it. Even with a fever blister, the our airline policy says employees who handle food and beverage should not be working. Plain and simple.
     Makes complete sense to me. I do not want some restaurant worker with yellowish-white liquid matter oozing from a contagious skin rash serving me my meal and drink. The thought makes me ill.
     But this crew member said he could not afford to stay on sick leave until he got better. Which made me really question the validity of his initial allegation.
     So as the trip went on, I kept finding this person continually coming to my part of the cabin to try and strike up conversation. Talks that I tried to keep to a minimum so that he would go away.
     This flight attendant was not the cleanest person either. He sweated profusely, had foul breath and horrible body odor, as if he was wearing an unwashed uniform. Which made me begin to wonder, whether the "scabies" was just a form of poor hygiene.
     But the drama didn't just stop there. He continued to tell fellow crew members about all his other health issues that he suffered. And when not telling us about THAT, he constantly reflected on how -- before transferring to his current home base -- he used to fly nothing but international trips to international destinations because he was a "language qualified" flight attendant. Despite him being very junior on our systemwide seniority list. He just loved to name drop.
     After a while, I just got tired of listening to his B-S. And I took it for just that. Ironically, a friend of mine told me that she, too, had just flown with this person and that he acted the same way, told the same stories and even shared his "scabies" episode.   
    Overall, he was a very nice guy. And in some ways, I did feel sorry for him -- but for other reasons. He probably has low self-esteem, so he felt the need to pump himself up and make people feel sorry for him at the same time. We all like attention now and then.
     But the scabies thing just itched me the wrong way! And for that reason, I tried to stay clear from  him the entire trip.
   
 

Canceled Flight

     I constantly read in the news about poor passengers who sit around and wait at the airport for flights that never leave the gate.
    Today was one of those for me.
    It was supposed to be an easy two day trip for my crew and I. I was supposed to end up and layover in Pittsburgh for the night. When I got the airport and saw my flight was already delayed, I should have known I was in for trouble.
    Nonetheless, I checked in at the flight attendant lounge, briefed with my crew members, then headed for the gate. Not knowing the reason for the delay, I figured since we were flying from Los Angeles to San Francisco, it could possibly be an air traffic delay. Many times those delays are lifted and we end up leaving earlier than the posted delay.
    But that wasn't the case today. Our plane was not even at the gate. And from what we were told, by our pilots, is that the plane was coming in with some type of mechanical problem that they were not willing to oversee.
    So a 1:30 p.m. departure  now became a 3:15 p.m.  departure. Our plane finally arrived. We boarded and began our safety checks, only to be told my our captain that he was not going to fly the plane unless it was completely fixed.
    The problem surrounded an air conditioning pact. The plane was flyable, but not at top notch as it was designed for. And thankfully our captain said he wasn't about to fly it. If we had taken it, it would have meant we would have had to fly at lower altitudes. Not a good thing if you have to fly over thunder cloud systems or climb out of emergency situation.
     At one point, our airline management got involved and tried to persuade our captain to fly the plane as is. He again, declined.
     Because our pilots had flown already for three hours earlier in the day, their duty time was reaching its maximum and our captain indicated he was going to walk. A term used in the business meaning they were going to abide by the contract and not fly any more than they are required to.
     Eventually, by 5 p.m., our flight was canceled because of the broken plane, and there were no pilots sitting around to fly it in the event it was fixed.
     So my cell phone starts ringing and its our crew scheduler telling me that I can go home and report to work the following day for a one day trip. She said I was guaranteed my flight pay for the canceled first day. Thank goodness for a contract!
      
   

Flight Attendant

With "The Jet Blues"

    The news about how a JetBlue flight attendant handled a combative, rude and obnoxious passenger on his flight has become water cooler fodder for crew members.     It's giving us in the industry a boost! Something we've all talked about doing, but never really had the courage to do it.
     Enter, flight attendant Steven Slater.
     If you haven't heard the famous story by now, it goes something like this: Flight attendant Slater, a 28-year veteran, gets into some type of scuffle with a moronic passenger over her all-too familiar carry on luggage. Words are exchanged. Passenger refuses to comply with crew orders -- a federal law by the way -- Slater gets hit in the head when the dumb-ass passenger slams shut the overhead bin, so he tells off the imbecile  over the plane's public address system. Then Slater decides to evacuate his career by blowing the plane's emergency escape slide while parked at the gate, but not before grabbing a nice cold beer to go!
    This is too funny!!! Something I'm sure Hollywood will include in a movie at some point.
    I have to say, after reading article and several internet posts about this incident, this guy has become an overnight hero, especially to those of us in the "service industry." I can't tell you the number of times I've encountered similar rude and obnoxious passengers, who think the world evolves around them. The ones who have no respect for authority. The ones who act like children on flights.
       And I can't tell you the number of times I just wanted to tell a passenger where they could go, knowing I would feel so much better afterward. Or slap the crap out of a new mother who rolls her eyes at you when you tell her you can't handle her baby's shitty diaper because you are a food and beverage handler. Or tell the passenger with the over sized luggage, who gets mad at YOU because he can't place it in the aircraft, where he can stick it. The ideas go on and on!
    A day after the incident, it's been the talk in flight attendant crew lounges. And most applaud Slater's action.
      We all jokingly tell of ideas we have when we decide to leave the industry. Like blowing the emergency escape slide like Slater did. Or telling off a passenger who has crossed that line on our very last flight. Call it, "flight attendant therapy."
     In all fairness to Slater, whose smiling photos have been splashed across the nationwide news, he reportedly has been going through a tremendous amount of stress lately. Apparently, according to published reports, he had recently lost his father, and is now dealing with a mother who has been diagnosed with cancer. Not that either is a reason to do what he did, but let's face it, some of us handle stress better than others. And in his case, he did what he felt was right for him.
    But there is something more troubling about this whole story.
    Although Slater has been arrested on suspicion of  "reckless endangerment" and "criminal mischief, " -- both apparently felonies in the State of New York --  nothing has been said about the stupid-ass female passenger who started the whole commotion before the flight left Pittsburgh. After all, she was the cause of his head injuries when she reportedly  slammed shut an overhead bin on his head when he intervened between her and another passenger over a squabble over  shared space in an overhead bin. And she didn't comply with his orders to sit down when the plane was taxing to the gate. So why isn't  she facing federal charges of interfering with a crew member and assault? Makes you wonder whose side the laws are on.
     I can tell you this. Had that been on my flight and the problem started at the gate from our departure city, and my head suffered a gash from a passenger slamming shut the bin on me, she would have been off the plane in a heartbeat. No questions, no apologies. Which is surprising to me. With that many years as a flight attendant, Slater should have had the experience to know where the beginning trouble could end. You nip it in the bud immediately when it starts.
    Miss Thing and her bags would have been looking for another flight to NY.
    Let's hope Slater had other things on his horizon. Maybe it will be better than the aviation industry!

   
      
      

Medical Emergency

    Other than dealing with some pretty good turbulence because of thunderstorms we flew through, our flight was relatively unremarkable. We landed in Texas and our passengers began deplaning out the front door. As I thanked each customer and wished them a "goodbye," that's when trouble struck.
    I noticed an elderly man  -- who I would guess to be in his 70s --  fall to the floor just inches from me in first class. Thinking he just tripped, I rushed  over to him and asked him if he was ok. I didn't get a response. Although he was conscious, I knew it was much more serious.
   I reached over and tried to get him to sit in one of the first class seats, but he kept falling over. He was limp, looked confused, and a part of his face looked droopy. From my airline medical training, the first thing that came to mind was this man was having a stroke. I needed to get him help.
    Our training for such emergencies on board is pretty text book: We are to ask our flying partners to get the Automated External Defibrillator, notify the cockpit and purser and call for medical help while at the same time, don rubber protective gloves.
     But today's situation didn't quite happen like this. I had no immediate access to gloves, I was the purser, and my flying partners were in the back of the airplane while the aircraft aisle was blocked by exiting passengers.
      Fortunately, as I looked up from tending to the man, I noticed a uniformed off duty flight attendant leaving the plane and asked her to call the back of the plane and have my flying partners rush to assist me with a medical emergency, bringing with them the necessary medical tools. She did call them, only to tell them "the purser needs you because he is having a problem with a middle eastern man."
     Thinking it was some type of security or terrorist threat, my flying partners immediately called up the first class phone to ask me what was going on. I told them to get up to the front immediately, I had a medical emergency and to bring with them the AED. At the same time, I yelled at the captain, who by now opened the cockpit door, to call for paramedics.
     I still didn't have my gloves. I was still by myself!
     Nonetheless, I struggled with the passenger, who kept trying to get up -- as if to leave the aircraft -- and kept falling over. I asked him to just hang tight and assured him that we were going to take care of him.
    "I'm here to help you," I told him. "We are going to get you better. Just hold on and everything is going to be ok."
     He looked at me, as an infant looks at its parent;
     This whole time, I didn't know if there was some type of language barrier -- because he did look foreign -- or if he truly was having a stroke and didn't know what was going on. It was the most frustrating moment.
     I asked him if he had a medical condition that I should know about. Again, he just stared at me as if looking right through me. It was the saddest look I've ever seen on someone. .
     Finally, my flying partners were able to push their way to the front the aircraft, where I and the ill passenger were. I told them to get the oxygen bottle so that we could at least administer that to the sick passenger. We had no idea who this man was, since he wasn't at his seat.
     Just then the paramedics got to the first class cabin and took over. After a brief assessment, they told me the man's blood pressure was sky high and that it appeared he was suffering from a stroke.  I asked them if they were able to find any identification on the passenger so that I would have it for my report. They were able to give me his Texas driver's license and a boarding pass from a previous flight from China. The man had been traveling well over 24 hours by the time we met him.
    My flying partners told me that during the service, the man ordered no food or beverage, and just waved them on. There was no sign in flight that he was ill.
    Within minutes, paramedics removed him from our aircraft to an area where they had more room to work on him.
    When I last saw them, they were administering an intravenous needle into the man's arm, apparently to quickly get fluids or medicine to him.
    That's when I knew he was in good hands. That's when our training taught us that our duties were over. After gathering some information from the airline customer service agent for my reports, I joined my crew and we headed to the hotel for our layover.
     I thank God that this happened on the ground upon arrival into our destination city. I prayed all the way to the hotel that this poor man, who was by himself, was going to be ok. I wondered if anyone was outside the airport to meet him from his trip to China. I wondered if there was anything different I could have done. I felt guilty that I couldn't do more for him.
        

Inoperable Toilets

   So my crew and I were on Day II of a trip that seemed to be plagued with bad luck, and the horrors continued.
   The first day we saw one of our passengers suffer a stroke before our very eyes and had to be rushed off our plane. (More on that in another blog). Then the second day we went back to work hoping for no drama. But we were wrong.
    Sometime between boarding the plane, doing our safety checks -- when the toilets were operating fine -- and when we got in the sky, our airplane suffered a major setback. The two lavatories in the coach cabin began NOT flushing, and water was seen starting to back up into the toilet bowl. Not a good sign, considering we were not even an hour into our three-hour journey.
    So being the flight attendant in charge, I was forced to call the captain and inform him of the bad news. He had me check a few things a report my findings back to him. Based on his response, I knew it wasn't good.
    Between the two of us, and the toilets' symptoms, we came to the conclusion that the aft lavatories' connector pipe leading to the main tank in the aircraft was plugged. Probably some dumb ass flushed either a baby diaper or or female hygiene napkin down the toilet.
    So the only two restrooms in coach had to be locked off until we landed and mechanics could take a look at the problem. That left us with only one operating lavatory -- in first class.
    But there was another concern the captain had. He told me I would need to add toilet monitoring to my first class cabin duties. He explained that if that toilet started to back up, we could have serious problems that could ultimately change the dynamics of the Airbus 319 we were flying on. He said because that toilet was so close to the cockpit, if that commode starting backing up and dripping onto the floor, there was crucial wiring under there that could get wet and cause the plane serious problems. An unscheduled or emergency landing was not ruled out.
    "Great!" I thought. "Just what we need."
     Not to mention I wasn't too thrilled on taking a peek into the smelly lavatories after each visitor to make sure overflowing wasn't occurring! I actually cheated. Armed with my room air freshener spray -- "Midnight Pomegranate" -- and a nose and mouth covering, I would sneak in after every few other passengers to do toilet duty.  I also monitored the control panel by my flight attendant seat to make sure the panel didn't indicate that the first class toilet became filled. Which in that case, that toilet would Also have to be locked off, leaving the passengers to hold it until we landed.
    

Early Morning Wake Up Call

     So my 15 hour layover ended with an early-morning wake-up call from my airline's crew desk. The scheduler wanted to catch me before I started getting ready for my morning flight out of New Orleans. It ends up that my first flight for the day was canceled because of a flat tire, so she was trying to figure out what do do with my crew and I.
      "Reassignments", as we call them in the business, happen more than we would like. And nine times out of 10, they are not in our favor. But this one turned out not-so-bad.
      When the scheduler called my hotel room at 5:45 a.m., she told me to hang tight, not to get ready or leave my hotel room. She said she was probably going to work us out of the city on a later flight. So I dozed off and went back to bed.
      Only to be woken up about 15 minutes later. The scheduler informed me that she had booked my crew and I on a 7:20 a.m. flight, where we would be flying as passengers. In the business, we call it "deadheading." Great, I thought. At least I would be able to catch up on my sleep on the flight.
       So I hopped in the shower, quickly got ready, then met my crew in the hotel lobby for the short ride over to the airport, where we were whisked through security and dashed to our gate.
       When deadheading, crew members usually like to get their seat assignment from the gate agent, then board before the rest of the passengers, so that way we can have space for our luggage and not have to check it in the belly of the plane.
       We were lucky enough to get first class seats and enjoy a nice warm meal and drink from real glassware. Pretty nice, considering we did not have to serve one drink or be responsible for hundreds of passengers' safety on day two of our trip.

One-Eyed Cyclops Passenger

     For the most part, the type of passengers we fly around the world are very nice, thoughtful and are great to be around. But every now and then we come across one that is just a royal pain in the ass! I had one recently flying into the Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport. 
     I will start by saying that people flying in and out of this airport are generally very nice and polite. So I don't know where this one creeped in from. But for my blog sake, we'll call her "Bitchy Sassafras" because that's what her name sounded like. She was the type of person who -- you could just tell -- thought that world must evolve around her. She wanted people to think she was something she was not.  Let's just say, she and I didn't hit it off too well when she boarded my aircraft and then tried to set the tone of the flight.
     Ms. Sassafras was one of the first to board the plane. She resembled a greasy, dirty, overweight Cyclops monster. I was not initially sure if she was truly disabled or if she was suffering from a shiner to the eye. But I gave the disheveled-looking creature the benefit-of-the-doubt. She immediately showed me her ticket, as if trying to establish something with me, and then asked me where was her seat. Unfortunately, for me, it was in first class, where I was working.
     As I started to get drinks ready to offer my first class passengers, my flying partner, who was greeting at the door, asked if I could relieve her so that she could take an unaccompanied minor to their seat and get the child settled in. So I took her position at the door and greeted the rest of the passengers coming on board.
    That's when I heard a flight attendant call bell go off in the first class cabin. I looked around the corner to see who it was. You guessed it! It was in Ms. Sassafras' row. I tried to make eye contact with her to tell her I would be there shortly, but since she only had one eye, that wasn't too successful. So I noted it in the back of my mind to check on her when my flying partner came back to the front door.
     You see, Federal Aviation Administration rules prohibit a commercial airliner's front door from being left unattended while passengers are boarding, in case a sudden emergency evacuation is necessary.  Somebody has to be at the door to guide passengers to the only open exit during the time. There is no veering from this federal law.
     And with staffing cuts at most major airlines, I didn't have anyone to guard the door while I answered the call bell. Since nobody looked like they were dying or suffering from a heart attack, I knew I would get to it as soon as my flying partner returned.
     Well she returned shortly, with an ugly-looking shawl-type sweater in her hand. She told me how the obese passenger in first class was a real bitch and had just chastised her for nobody answering her call bell in a prompt manner. You see, apparently Ms. Sassafras expected everybody to jump when she rang.
     So I decided to pay her a visit at her seat and  educate her about rules and regulations flight attendants must follow when it comes to the FAA and boarding time. I explained, like at all major carriers, staffing at my airline has been cut, and there are not enough flight attendants to do all the extra luxury-type things during boarding. For example in first class:  hanging coats, taking personal drink orders, and leaving the front door with nobody there.
       "Well unfortunately the full price I paid for my ticket wasn't cut," said Ms. Sassafras, trying to focus on me with her one eye. "So that's not my problem."
      The rest of the first class passengers sitting around her looked amazed at her comment. You could tell each one of them was uncomfortable with her retort. 
      So I took a deep breath, stood back, and with a smile, suggested she write a letter with her concerns to my airline and the FAA. But the one-eyed bitch wanted to continue to argue with me, as if she wanted us to know that she was flying first class.  With her rotund, ugly figure, and boisterous comments, how could we NOT!
       "Patience is a virtue," I told her, as I walked away.
       Now what makes this whole story funny, is once the gate agent brought me the paperwork I immediately looked to see --  for one --  who this ugly-ass was --  and two -- how much did she REALLY pay for her ticket. It was immediately clear the "prima donna"  was NOT one of our high mileage fliers, and she did NOT pay full price for her ticket! She was probably one of the free upgrades some airlines are now giving out to members of their frequent flier programs.
       That's when I realized, her eye that I fist thought had a disability, now looked more like someone had socked her in it, probably for mouthing off one too many times. It was black and blue, puffy and partially closed. "Damn!" I thought to myself. "Someone must have done me the honor!"